Poem. Not very good now, but I'll probably change it.

[JET73L]

These stupid, phony critics
are wasting people's time.
"Who else here hates Hidalgo?"
"This abstract's mighty fine"
They're running through society,
and they're just out of line.
These sheep who think they can trendset
[strikethrough]do not[strikethrough] but don't know what can shine.

some critics like to be mean,
some want to pay the rent.
And others like to take bribes,
though they don;t need a cent.
They never really look at
the thing the artist meant
They've all been told to shut up,
but just can;t take a hint.

The people have uprisen
in talk and poem and song.
They warp the people's feelings
Their power's grown too strong
These critics need to take their bows
and mustn;t take too long.
These critics have gone far too far
and won;t admit their wrong(s).
[markthrough](Despite that they are wrong.
are wrong.
wrong.)[/markthrough]


(note: Their is spelled correctly. I refer to the abstract noun "a wrong," and not the adjective "to be wrong.")
So, on another forum I've been going to for a while (lucid dreaming reference forum, not a gaming forum, I'm not leaving FFNet) there was a thread on critic-bashing. I made a stupid little obtuse critic-bashing "poem" of the sort that's been all the rage for critics to controversially decide that some are stupid and some are amazing without giving reasons. I then loaded it with sci-fi references, which would guarantee it to be a critic-hate magnet. Then, this morning, I unintentionally thought of this, and ran with it until it was sufficient length to express at least a good percentageof the annoyance I have with most critics nowadays. I still dont; think it;s complete. Also, the echoey bit at th end in parenthesis is if it's listned to as a song, rtather than a poem. I don;t intend to keep it like that, if I can expand on the poem, but it adds closure, even if it doesn;t do so in a very good way.

(by the way, think "beatnik-style" poetry, or the chorus of Wish: Komm zu Mir. No matter how much it looks like a Jack Prelutzki poem, that is not the sound I intend).

[Revenant]

I like it. The poem is awesome
Especialy the expression of feelings. It amazed me much.

And.....you was the only one who liked my poem much time ago) If you look into the previous page, you'll find my thread....where your answer was the only one...so sad

[Zotar]

neeto...

[Snaggle_Tongue]

"These sheep who think they trendset
do not know what can shine."
Considering the previous pair of lines, perhaps "And don't know what can shine." would flow better? "Do not know" doesn't seem right, to me.

"And others like to take bribes,
though they don't need a cent."
Perhaps "Although" ralther than "though"? Again, that seems to flow better to me.

"These critics have gone far too far
and won't admit their wrong."
Considering the subject matter, wouldn't "their wrongs" be more suited? Even with the following lines, wrongs in this particular line would be more accurate.


And now the critic in me is done (haha!) I like it - it has a nice flow, even if it seems to stutter from time to time. I write poetry too, though, so I'm not just coming in from nowhere. Also, I am angry with the Critic World. "She puts her own fecal matter onto canvas! What art!" No. No, not what art. What crap. Literally.

/done.

Edit: Also, sorry if you weren't looking for that. It was just as I read it thoroughly those things stood out for me ^^'

[Firesnake]

I really liked it
It had a deep meaning
just remember: not every poem needs rhyme

[VITG]

Originally Posted by Snaggle_Tongue

"These sheep who think they trendset
do not know what can shine."
Considering the previous pair of lines, perhaps "And don't know what can shine." would flow better? "Do not know" doesn't seem right, to me.

"And others like to take bribes,
though they don't need a cent."
Perhaps "Although" ralther than "though"? Again, that seems to flow better to me.

"These critics have gone far too far
and won't admit their wrong."
Considering the subject matter, wouldn't "their wrongs" be more suited? Even with the following lines, wrongs in this particular line would be more accurate.

Surprisingly I agree with her. At least on points 1 and 3. For me, the second problem would be better fixed with 'though they need not a cent' rather than 'though they don't need a cent'. I don't think although fits because it completely fucks up the metre.

[JET73L]

Thanks for your feedback. I appreciate it, and the help with eventually becoming a better poet.

light green=added
grey=changed or deleted

For the first part, I found a way that I think works better, thanks for the inspiration.
For the second, it really does work better, since, like I said, i stole the meter. I don;t plan to publish it or use it for school, and I cited it, so why not?
For the last, i don;t really thinkl it works well either way. I set it up as a temporary change, but if I can find a way that works well, I will change it.

@Firesnake: Yeah, doesn;t need to rhyme. Just needs to sound good. THis was a meter made for rhyme, though, so for now I'll leave it like that. I may later intersperse verses, or a choirus, that don;t completely rhyme, or change the meter. It;s not like I have any artistic integrity anyway, the system destroyed that years ago.

By the way, how do you write a strikethrough in bbcode (or whatever code this forum uses)? We need a dictionary page for forum tags.

[MidgarFanatic]

Originally Posted by JET73L

By the way, how do you write a strikethrough in bbcode (or whatever code this forum uses)? We need a dictionary page for forum tags.

That is an extremely good idea. Someone should create a post/thread on this topic and put it somewhere in the Forum Issues section, or perhaps in proximity to the Introductions section. Sticky?

I have been wondering myself how you guys do the scrolled hidden text boxes when there is spoiler material, for example.

[VITG]

Originally Posted by JET73L

For the second, it really does work better, since, like I said, i stole the meter. I don;t plan to publish it or use it for school, and I cited it, so why not?

You can't copyright a 7-6 metre, so you're fine :P