Rap Breakthroughs

[DoomedWolf]

Yeah, I'm bringing my just beginning thread over here cause I need something to do if I get bored here. =3

This'll be where I put raps I think deserve to be commented. =D


I'll use the one I just finished today.


I see, I guarantee, I'll flee, maybe get stung by a bee, aw gee.
But for what is really me, I fight to a tolerable degree,
I care to much for what causes her glee,
So much in fact that I bend down on one knee,
And when that happened I pointed out to the sea,
I said my love was that free, taller than a tree,
I thought she'd agree, not scream like a banshee,
She said we'd be much better if I was as he,
And that I was just lost in that sea,
I didn't belong there she screams, her love has a fee,
I have to support in the long run not just within the fun.
What's she talking about, we just fifteen,
We both still just green, still just two young teens,
Even if what we seen was such a horrible scene.
Why don't she understand that I want her to lean,
I'm open and keen, I don't want to be mean,
I treated her like a queen, cause I didn't want nothing to become between.
Us, yes, guess, we played our game of chess,
But in the end all we did was regress,
You kept up such a fuss, it became such a mess.
Though I confess, it was my fault no less, I had so much stress,
I just couldn't live with no success, something I couldn't assess,
Just then it was something I couldn't discuss,
It caused me to much of this distress,
And once I started I couldn't suppress,
So it was best to just keep my mouth shut and obsess.
I turned and ran, then I come back and see you with this other man?
A guy with a clan, a tan and a van?
You just up and began, leaving me in feudal Japan,
Stuck in old times with not even a plan.
My senses are on high alert, it was just how much that hurt,
My mind closes up as I lose all the power I try and exert,
I up and give up, letting go of all these fake props.
I try to keep rhyming, but then the music just stops.

Comments?

[Terminal Est]

Not bad at all, although I am no expert in rap. You seem to have a knack for making rhyming fun to read. However I could not help but to laugh at that part, a man with a van, a tan and a clan. XD