Idiotic playing on words

[Miss Lockheart]

This is courtesy of a friend on another forum. I couldn't be assed reading them all but some of them made me lol pretty hard-

This is the kind of play on words i like....

Thought provoking wit - can you do better?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, 2000 or XP, you have to click on "Start"?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If a fine is a tax for doing wrong, is a tax a fine for doing well?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

I cats like mice why can't you buy mouse flavoured cat food?

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

If you fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Is Atheism a non-prophet organization ?

If all is not lost, where is it?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?!

How much faith does it take to be an atheist?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

So what's the speed of dark?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zig-zag?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Do PG-Tips employees take coffee breaks?

Clones are people two

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Firesnake]

simply brilliant :P
I can rant about some of them for hours but that would ruin it ^^
simply AMAZING sam (har Axel quote )

[Revenant]

Most of them I didn't even understand.
But there are some masterpieces I tell ya.

[Zotar]

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

*Slaps self in fore-head*

THATS what ive been doing wrong all this time...

ROFL!!!

[Miss Lockheart]

Originally Posted by Firesnake

simply brilliant :P
I can rant about some of them for hours but that would ruin it ^^
simply AMAZING sam (har Axel quote )

Hehehehe ^^ ranting is welcome!!

Some of them were just plain silly, but some of them were also genius. The one about the Oriental person made me crack up!!

Originally Posted by Zotar

*Slaps self in fore-head*

THATS what ive been doing wrong all this time...

ROFL!!!

Made me lol too *must run FORWARDS*

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? :P

[JET73L]

This is the kind of play on words i like....

Thought provoking wit - can you do better?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Yes, but for /entirely/ different reasons.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
bed, to sleep on it.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
No, they just form an exploding chrysanthemum design around the drowned body.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Because silk is so smoooth.

How is it possible to have a civil war?
By using peace corps and friendly fire.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Mirages of the sea.

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Only if they're wearing corsets.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, 2000 or XP, you have to click on "Start"?
Have you /seen/ some of Microsoft's more ludicrous products?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If it was play, like baseball, they'd have to pay you even more.

If a fine is a tax for doing wrong, is a tax a fine for doing well?
Pretty much.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
In the gods. (theater pun)

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
That explains why it's so cheesy.

I cats like mice why can't you buy mouse flavoured cat food?
They tried, but the whiskers kept slipping through the grinder.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Okay, I'm not even going to ry this one, I have too many problems wioth that phrase myself.

If you fail, and succeed, which have you done?
You have successfully failed at creating a paradox.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?


If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?
If you followed that logic, they'd be nethollandutch.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
"Just take the stupid picture already!"

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
wise guy is sarcastic, wise man is just mistaken.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
And how do they practice medicine? Isn;t medicine a noun?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Same reason look over and see over mean different things.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
It's discriminatory against careers.

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Originally, yes (I'm not kidding).

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
Or twoty or threety?

Is there another word for synonym?
No, but it is the opposite of antonym. (cross ref. "suffix and prefix")

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Already answered it.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
probably.

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
Who wears evening gowns to night clubs anymore?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why is shirt singular and pants plura?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
That's what he doies. Makes you broker.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
So stale bugs don;t eat it.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?
shouldn;t bars only serve tequilasunrises in the morning?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
No, because it's only till death.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?


Is Atheism a non-prophet organization ?


If all is not lost, where is it?
at the lost section of the lost and found.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?


Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?


Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
I trained my cats to act as an alarm clock simply by feeding them whenever they jump on my chest at 3am.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
The pen stops writing, duh.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?!
SOmebody who ended up looking like a big behind.

How much faith does it take to be an atheist?
A lot more than you;d think.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
No, it's a multiple death threat.

So what's the speed of dark?
Slightly faster than light. It has to get out of the way, doesn;t it?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?


Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
No. They still have nine lives, it's just that each is half as long as the last.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?
The busy numbers you hang up, try again, and get it right.

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?


Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
No, but the patent rights do.

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?


Does killing time damage eternity?
No, but it sure won;t fly.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Apes don;t have beards, and the Greystokes believed in Nurture over Nature.

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is StainStick called suc h if it removed stains?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Because the speed of dark is greater than the speed of light, see above note.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Same reason as monosyllabic.

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Because it's hard to hear yourself think with the radio on. That's why it was on in the first place.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
what comes before a second?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
If they're frozen, they become superconductors.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
No, only half the pieces.

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?


Did Noah keep his bees in archives?


Do pilots take crash-courses?


Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?


Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
But what if we were trapped in said world?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?


How can there be self-help "groups"?


How do you get off a non-stop flight?


How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
leave a space.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
cople of feet at least. THere are a lot of sponges.

How many weeks are there in a light year?
26 1/2.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zig-zag?


If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
No, he can only hear it if he's walking, duh.

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?


If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
See every "pop-ular" person from the last two and a half decades.

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?


If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
Have you ever heard of sphinx cats?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?


If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?


If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
same for drive-though liquor stores. People are stupid.

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?


Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
They're fast enough to dodge my car.

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Do PG-Tips employees take coffee breaks?
No, but starbucks employees do.

Clones are people two
Ha. that one';s good.

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
The meek shal;l inheriti the earth, but only after the boastful ruin it.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Teach a man to fish and you;re stuck with him for the rest of his natural-born life.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Miss Lockheart]

Hahahahah that made my day JET

[Revenant]

Jet, that was realy.....er.....unexpected V_V
Nice job, dude ^_^

[Zotar]

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
No, they just form an exploding chrysanthemum design around the drowned body.

Immortalized for now...

[JET73L]

Thanks. I couldn;t think of a retort for some of them, but it was worth it for the ones I could.