A little bit sad

[Miss Lockheart]

I was going to put this in the philosophical section, but thought very hard about it and realised it's actually quite personal.

For a long few months I have been very happy with the way my life is going. I've been accepted to go to Uni part time next year, my son is growing up a great kid, I've been reading alot and furthering my knowlegde, for myself, which is a change I quite welcome.

And yet yesterday, I was going through an old pile of CDs and found one with some music I haven't heard for a long time. On playing said CD (which I thougthh I had thrown away as a remnant of my previous life), I had the wind knocked from my sails. All of a sudden I'm back in the place I was just over 3 years ago, when I hit rock bottom with my life. I felt all those horrible memories and experiences come back, and all my attempts at regaining my happiness felt like they were for nothing. I just felt miserable again. It's so stupid, but how can a measly CD have that effect on a person?

I wondered if this had happened to anyone else. I'm trying my best to be positive, but I feel really confused, esp as this is the first time I have ever been knocked off course like this. I'm not even sure if anything I have written lately makes sense (oh and Terminal, if you are there, hope I didn't offend you with my views on Wisdom and Knowlegde, I'm really not thinking very straight).

What do you guys do if this happens to you? I'm not going to say what happened to me in the past, but it was very painful and distressing. How do I find the momentum that got me out of that situation again? And is this pain really just in my head or is it normal to feel it?

[Tifa]

No, i think it's completely normal. It's happened to me a few times. I went through a very very rough time a few months ago. My relationship crumbled, I found out my sister had epilepsy and a tumor on her brain, my grandad died, one of my friends went in to hospital for surgery and to top it all off, the guy who messed my best friend about and treated me like crap all through secondary school showed up after 3 years and asked me out. -.-'

There was a song i played over and over again in my room while all this was going on. It was October by Evanescence. I can't listen to it now. It just brings back all the feelings from back then. And when i start feeling that again, it can screw my head up for days.

I don't know what it was that happened to you, but i don't really need to. I think the feelings will still be at the back of your mind. Only after time it's easier to put the good feelings of today before them. I suppose when you hear something that reminds you of that time, it all just rushes back and it's hard to get the good feelings back again. It's normal though, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. But it can hurt.

I'd love to say i know exactly what you're going through, but for all i know, your case can be much worse than mine. I hope you're feeling better now, anyway. I hate the thought of someone i care about feeling this way. xxXxx

[Terminal Est]

I am not offended at all. These sort of subjects are confusing, and strangely, even more so when one considers their own place within a personal situation.

I have often believed that memories are a strong link to what we perceive as happiness, and often try to reconstruct what we have lived previously with objects, situations or people which remind us of a certain time. It is even more evident and seemingly logical, when one considers that sorrow and pain from the past is put to light in much the same ways, and how we avoid certain memento or thoughts, due to the pain a certain memory may bring. It seems to revolve around understanding how we felt before, rather then doing so at the precise moment.

I am sure you know how it works, whatever you were listening to is strongly attached to whatever it was that happened back then, (Especially with music, because they say that such is a gateway to the soul.) and it may be hard for others to give you advice unto this, because most of us will react in somewhat different ways, and see the matters in different light.

I have one music disc which always reminds me of my horrible years of 2001 and 2002, and what frightens me about the recollections is to know that, in depression, I found myself so much more happier then I have ever been. I did not know it then of course, but the nature of having to go through it with apathy had taught me many things, and now that I am ''happy'' and stuck in routine like a mindless sheep, I realize that I was happier back then, not caring about anything, and therefore opening more doors to myself, even if everything seemed dark and closed. I try not to listen to it because it reminds me just how much weaker and tamed I am today.

However, it seems that for you, it is an evident testament to times you no longer wish to see. But they are memories, and although one should not cling to the past, weather it be good or bad, they always have something to teach you. Although perhaps I should do what I preach, but to know and understand them to the best of your abilities will always teach you something, and get to know yourself better.
Or, as naturally born pessimist, there is nothing you can do about your past, and if should there be naught to do for the emotions which surge when the memories are manifested in certain ways, take them as they are.

You say you are trying to be positive...perhaps the fact that you feel sad about this today is a manifestation that subconsciously, perhaps you've not dealt with it all. It is as a ghost which comes back to haunt, for matters unsettled. I believe all this amplification of positive outlook is the problem with our society; how is it exactly, that when one feels sad, they should replace it with happy and bouncy feelings? You should not thwart your emotions, and do what they tell instruct. If you have not cried enough, then give your past some tears, and perhaps it will leave you alone. If you feel sad, it is not for nothing. Memories do not come back for nothing. They are not in existence for the reasons that most people believe.
It is up to you of course, to know and discover which part of your events have not been put to rest, and to rectify this. You feel sad as an indication of such, I believe. And that is the hard part, because I do not think that you wish to go back to this.

As for being positive...I am sure that, many times, you will have room for true and genuine happiness. Do not put in fake emotions. Denial is not a good remedy.

I realize and understand why you would want to put this into the philosophical section, as this is really the only genuine piece of advice I have. Sorrow is not always a bad thing, and must be nursed. If you keep it hidden and try to replace it with an emotion that, for now, needs not the place, I do not believe anything will be fixed. It is a bit hard to explain, and no, I do not mean walk around like a zombie...only that, in a gentle manner, acknowledge your sorrow, what had brought it on, now and back then, and why. You might surprise yourself.

I do not know what has happened to you, so I feel a little bad about saying all this, (I am not asking to know, either.) but generally, it is something I truly believe.

[Miss Lockheart]

Wow, I'm really moved by the response I've had to this. You know, it's the first time I've ever really come out and told anyone that I am sad, even though I stop short of telling people why. I guess that is a conditioning I get from my family: they can be so supportive and really help me out, but it seems that there is a condition on that help, that I act positive and never speak of my past. Like it's so easy just to act like nothing happened. they got me to throw almost everything from that time away, like a kind of cleansing. But the CD I found must have slipped through the net somehow.

Funnily enough, acting bouncy and happy worked sometimes. I suppose that is how escapism works, it temporarily removes you from your pain. And maybe that can be good sometimes, it gives people a break from their hurts. But you are right, there's no real use in hiding from the past altogether, it is a part of who I am now, whether I like to admit it or not. And music does resonate so deeply with me, it is the only constant I have even known in my life, so it has that very powerful hold over my inner self.

It doesn't help that one of my reasons for not wanting to revisit the past is because it seems so ridiculous to my family. They don't really see the painful side of it, because to them it is something that "Doesn't happen to one of our family", it's almost embarrasing to them that I allowed myself to get caught in a trap like that. And my mum has impressed the need to be "tough" on us, she has no patience for sensitivity, she sees it as a weakness. And surely it was not that bad, if there are no "physical" scars right? That may have been seen as a badge of honour, a momento to survival of abuse. But I don't have one, the scars are all under my skin, and only I know they are there. And my son, as beautiful as he is, he also is a big reminder of what has passed. I can't blame him for that, I just try and remember that he is an individual, and as much a part of my present and future, as of my past. Maybe a lot of the reason I'm so surprised about my own sadness is because I have gotten used to sometimes faking happiness just so I don't drag the rest of my family down, if other members of the family are sad, they don't meet with much sympathy, instead they get accused of spoiling the group dynamic.

I can't really put an absolute resolution to my past, because it is beyond my physical means. The person who made a lot of my pain has gone, I will never see him again, because he is a danger to my boy. But I guess I can take comfort in that in some ways, he can't cause any more harm to either of us. And I will cry a little more, maybe that will always happen. I won't try and resist it anymore, I will just have to do it in private away from my family! It is something they cannot help with, but I cannot always oppress either. And I do find lots of comfort in my personal quest for knowledge, having a child really makes me think hard about the things we talk about in the philosophy section, I'm still amazed at the fact that he is here because of me, and I am so very responsible for his life. And music of course, as I am always learning more about the power of it.

Thanks guys, I think this has been a really good panacea for me, and refreshing to be able to actually be open about myself. I hope I can give comfort to others when they need it too!! Tifa and Terminal, I agree we cannot know the full extent of each other's pain, because that is something very personal to us. What may seem trivial to one person is very significan to another, and I have learned that lesson well. But of course never be scared of saying what you believe, I will always take that very seriously, it's something I will value. XX

[Terminal Est]

As you point out, one may have a very frightening nightmare, that when told, will be met with laughter on behalf of the listeners.

I could not in any way suggest to you on how to deal with your family, weather now or what you should have done then, but I have always made it a personal point to remember it as but a word, because even if a facade of strength was conditioned unto you by then, it may not work for you. And so, if you cannot find ways to resolute the ills, are are convinced that it can never really stop from causing you pain, even just with memories, you are the one who must find ways to deal with it, and not anyone else.
However, I do not think that eradicating something from one's memory entirely is really the key to anything.

I do not know what each person's definition of real pain is, but inner scars can often be a lot more painful then the physical manifestation which people often require as a reason to be in pain.

[Miss Lockheart]

Again Terminal, thankyou for your insight.

I don't think I ever can eradicate someone like that from my memory, even with their lack of physical presence. But I believe he posed a genuine violent threat to my son, it's more for his protection than anything else. You are right though, it doesn't solve my own issues. So I have no choice really but to deal with it myself, however long it may take. I did find a place to start, by concentrating on making a happy home for me and my son, it's as good a start as any.

I suppose there are lots of people who can't understand why someone would be in pain if there is no physical affliction to see. But the way I see it, the physical scars just hurt in the area afflicted, whereas the emotional scars seem to hurt everywhere, soul and body. I have to remind myself that I am not under any kind of emotional conditioning now, that nobody is there to make me feel small or insignificant, nobody can control my feelings or choices. I am actually a human being! You know, for months I was made to believe I was less than human, I had no right to be human. I wasn't allowed to feel emotions like sadness even less back then. It sounds pathetic, but I even have to remind myself that I have a key to my door or my own house, and I'm allowed to use it! That's how I see inner scars, from my own experience. Even with the progress I felt I had made, I still felt in some ways that I was not my own person.

I'm not really sure what else I can say on this subject, but when you and Tifa mentioned your own experiences, I felt less alone within myself. Obviously we are human if we have these feelings right? And maybe thinking about some of the painful times may give a new insight into the present, and put some things to rest. Thanks for helping me see things differently.

[Terminal Est]

I don't think I ever can eradicate someone like that from my memory, even with their lack of physical presence. But I believe he posed a genuine violent threat to my son, it's more for his protection than anything else.

Indeed. If such threats were truly real, you can never forget the person who had posed them.

The fear and paranoia is a tool however, and as you have said, may ensure that this does not happen again. Strange coming from me, but there is good in everything, even if it seems existent for the sole purpose of pushing away the bad.

Who knows, in your post, you have spoken of experience...perhaps this is why we never forget it, and it makes sense to me, because I believe that our sole purpose is to live. Of course, I hope that nobody thinks that I am suggesting that memories of hardships should be forgotten completely...however, I think that perhaps it can be put to peace...if not, as we have said, they may remain for other purposes. The human mind and our attributions and reflections of life are all so very strange, that it usually bamboozles me to think of it so much.

But sometimes I wonder, and in this thread, you are not the only one who has seen different sides of certain matters.

[Miss Lockheart]

Agreed, really strange that you say that, but also really great. Maybe there is hope for us!

I must be very healthy to see various angles of a situation, sometimes tunnel vision can unnecessarily magnify pain. I am all for nursing and gradually healing from hurt, but of course it helps to have a clear picture of what it is that one is healing from. It's easy to allow oneself to have a distorted view of the past, maybe seeing things differently to how they really were. But it's also easy to just observe it through total detachment, like viewing an object on the floor, which I suppose would be just as unhealthy. The difficult part is finding the right balance.

Funny thing the human mind, yeah we all have our different ways of rationalizing things, but I would dread to think how our world would be if we all thought exactly the same. I think about that a lot, I look at the world and the people who try to bring about that very state, for us all to have the same thoughts. As someone who values their individuality, that scares me. It's great to see how other people think, and it's only strange because it is so individual. But even then it's really not all that strange, and often makes more sense than our own thoughts!!

[Snaggle_Tongue]

Actually.. I have been through something similar myself.
*laughs*
It seems silly, really. But... To me, it really wasn't.

From around this time last year until may/june this year I was in a relationship with somebody who.... well, he's really not good for anyone, let alone me.

Well..

He used to punish me "just because" or "just in case". He said sorry, of course. And I accepted it every time. Of course.

There was this one time he decided that, because I had seen a friend of mine I used to date, he'd have sex with one of his exes and record it. And send it to me.

Well.. about a month after I left him, I still wasn't really recovering. And on the tv.. Some movie with sarah bullock. A kid fucked the girl his best friend fancied and recorded it, and sent him it - to show him that she was no good. It got me really upset.

And then I cut off my hair. Yeah.. it seemed a good idea at the time, but it was my own personal bit of rebellion. The only reason I -hadn't- cut it a long time ago was because -he- didn't want me to. So I did.

Funnily enough, I was talking about this yesterday. I can't remember why... huh. Well, I'm not going to list the many side-effects of everything, but some of my favourite songs take me back to memories of him and things he did/said. It sucks. There was one song that, after I broke up with him (eventually) practically caused a breakdown. Bleh...

rant over.

[Miss Lockheart]

Jesus Snaggle Tongue, to say you've been through the mill would be an understatement. I'm so sorry, though that's probably no help at all, but knowing people go throgh these things really makes me mad at the world. And of course, it's not silly to you, it was your own nightmare, nobody can ever play it down because only you can understand how it feels. I can't understand why there are men (or women) in this world that feel like they have to be in control so much, and do such horrible things just to assert that control. Just because. And it really lasts a long time afterwards, as I know myself.

It's been over 3 years now since I left my ex, I was with him for 1 and a half years, and I only began to see what he had been doing to me when I found out I was pregnant, maternal instinct I suppose. He only hit me once, but then he didn't have to. I'm sure you'll feel the same, it's more about how that person makes you feel, what they do to your mind, that makes it such a nightmare. Like you have to be made to feel as low as possible. I remember once whan my mum came to visit me for my birthday, I had to ask permission for us to go out that night (for a drink with my mum for fuck's sake). And then when I came out of the club with my mum ready to go home, he was standing there waiting for me. Like he was making sure I couldn't forget that he was watching my every damn move. And then when my mum went home, I got the questions, worse than ever before, and the warnings of what would happen to me if I ever even thought about cheating. Then I wasn't allowed to leave the flat for a few days, just for good measure.

Hmmm, I feel like my memories have ruined a great deal of good songs for me. I've tried playing them just to see if I can get any enjoyment, but soon I just have to switch them off, I can't stand it. And yeah, I've had my own little rebellions going on since I left him- my hair has stayed a light shade of blonde, I spend as much time outdoors as I can because I can, I smile every time a bill gets paid on time and I don't let anybody dictate to me what to do with my life. Being accepted at Leeds Uni is a huge milestone because my ex told me that I could never have a degree and music is a waste of time to study, and that i was crap at everything anyway. I still call myself dumb sometimes, but at least it's me saying it and nobody else.